Him

 I haven’t really thought of “Him” in a while, which I have found odd. I used to think of him almost every day, what we had, what we lost. We are never going to travel together to visit the grandchildren, it should be that way; grandchildren should see their grandparents together and often.  We should have a little house together with rocking chairs on the front porch. I have a little house with a rocking chair on the front porch  and an out building with a rocking chair on its porch, I sit there often and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood, children laughing, dogs barking, birds singing and squirrels chattering. I do think of him sometimes, but I no longer have that haunting feeling deep inside that makes me miss him. And now when I do think about him it’s is usually because my check is late or certain documents still haven’t been sent. I really can’t get on with what I need to do without those documents, but I don’t stress over them, this is what he has become. Even when I think back on how much we loved each other, hungered for one another and just wanted to spend time together, it doesn’t make me sad, we had that, we each had someone who wanted no one else. We didn’t need anybody else, we had each other. Even after the children came, he and I had each other, we truly loved each other and I can say that now and not feel the tremendous pain inside that would make me cry myself to exhaustion. I used to think he would come back some day, maybe I hoped he would; now I don’t even care. I used to feel sorry for him because my family is the only family he has had since he was a young teen, he was an orphan, I remember him talking to our children one time about Mother and he actually said “This is not the same woman your Mom and I grew up with” he met her when he was 18, I have always thought that was a very telling thing to say, she was his Mother too. He was the youngest of 3 brothers but when he was visiting my family during our courting days, he was the big brother, and he did enjoy that; sometimes we’d pile a bunch of children in the car for a ride to the lake or a movie, we took them on dates with us, to eat or a park or just to ride around with no particular destination, I remember one night we drove miles and miles and ended up in Pontiac, Michigan at the Silverdome, I had never seen anything like that! We’d drive to Canada for the day, it was beautiful there, and you could certainly tell you weren’t in Detroit anymore, it was all lovely and green and Michigan wasn’t. I do pray for him and ask God to help him get well, help him take care of the business that I need him to take care of, but maybe God has other plans, maybe He is preparing me for something else, whatever my future holds I have finally accepted it won’t be with him, but maybe it will be for him. Maybe that’s what this emotional detachment is for, so I can be strong for him if he needs me because through our children I have let him know I will be there for him if he ever needs me. I respect the love we had and the children we had too much to not help him if he needs it. It has taken me a long time to arrive to this stage in my life and one I never saw coming, I thought I’d feel the pain until my last breath, it really is strange to feel nothing for…”Him.”